While You Were Outpatients: An Ongoing Investigation

[Miss Fitt 2]

A playful look at fandom

[Editor’s note: A certain sense of humor is required.]


Prologue

"What's wrong? You’ve been glued to that EntertheSoulAsylum.com site for weeks and you have a troubled look on your face."

"Something doesn't add up. This site appeared out of nowhere about a year ago. And over the past month, there's been a serious uptick in chatter. There even seem to be International cells. We've picked up messages from South America, England, Sweden, Germany, Italy…even the Philippines."

"Hmmmm… it does seem a little suspicious considering the band has only released one album in the past decade, and hasn't toured outside the United States in years. Maybe it's worth looking into."

"But we need to be careful. An unusually high percentage of them seem to be inmates of some sort of… institution."

"Maybe it's a cult! Do you think there's a religious component?"

"i'm not sure. I did a catch lot of talk about 'Holy Jeans.' "

"Pagans! Do you think they hate freedom?"

"i don't know. I just don't know. Maybe they're harmless. They certainly seem to be having fun. But we should check it out… and I think I know just where to begin."



To be continued

[Miss Fitt 2]

Chapter 1: If the Shoe Fitts


"Miss Fitt? Can you step this way?"

"Um, what's this all about?"

"I understand that in the past two years, you have traveled approximately 50,000 miles to see Soul Asylum shows. Is that true?"

"Gosh, I don't know. That seems awfully…"

"We have records, Miss Fitt. There's no use denying it."

"Wait… what do you mean you have records? Why would you…?"

"I'm afraid you’ll have to come with me."

"i don't understand. What's this all about? I'm just here to see the show."

"Miss Fitt, the show doesn't start for five hours yet. Noone's here."

"But I could lose my spot!"

"Well, that’s certainly consistent with your M.O."

“M.O.? What are you talking about? You have a file on me?”

"Just standard procedure, Miss Fitt. Okay, let's continue….Our records show that you visit the EntertheSoulAsylum.com site an average of five times a day."

"Why would you even know that?"

"is it true or isn't it?"

"Maybe. But it's just to keep up with tour dates and such."

"Mmmmm hmmmm. That's what they all say."

"Seriously, it's really not so much if you consider my general Internet usage."

"You're digging yourself a bigger hole there, girlie. We’ll talk more about your online stalking in a bit."

"Stalking?? Wait… You’ve got it all wrong!"

"Last week, did you or did you not say of Dave Pirner, 'I wouldn't throw him out of bed for eating crackers'?"

"No! Well, maybe. Okay, yes. But I was goofing around. It was meant to be funny! When you take it out of context like that…"

"Does the term 'screen daver' mean anything to you?"

"That? Ha, ha. Um, that's nothing. It's embarrassing, really. I just have a bunch of photos of Dave that I use as a screen saver. Get it? Ha, ha. Um…. okay, it's silly… But it's not a crime!"

"Let's move on. On August 18th of this year, did you or did you not ask one of the Soul Asylum techs to deliver a warning to the band that you were going to get 'closer to the stars'?"

"What?? You can't be serious. That was just a song request! I have no other agenda!"

"Miss Fitt, how stupid do you think we are?"

"But I can explain!"

"Then explain this message that you've been posting on discussion boards: 'i try not to forget about what hasn't happened yet.' Are you hinting at some sort of plot underway?"

"Those are lyrics!"

"Lyrics? Or is it really a coded message to your radical base?"

“Radical base??!! What are you talking about??”

"And how do you explain these doodles in your notebook -- 'Dave Pirner' over and over again with little hearts?"

"What?? Where did those come from?? That's not even my writing! Those were planted!"

"I have to be honest with you, Miss Fitt. It's not looking good."



To be continued

[Homesick]

Haha! This is great! I'll be hitting the refresh button even more frequently now to find out about any new installments of this beautiful madness.

PS. I hope I didn't break your flow by replying already. If I did, let me know and I'll fix it.

[Miss Fitt 2]

Chapter 2: Philling in the Blanks


"Thanks for coming in, Mr. G-----. I want you to know that you're not in any trouble or anything. We just thought you might be able to help us with our investigation."

"Sure. I’d be happy to."

"I know you’re a long-time Soul Asylum fan and you’ve been to quite a few shows over the years. We thought you might be able to shed some light on fan patterns over the past decade and any suspicious behavior you may have seen recently. Let's start with the Fine Line show in March 2001."

"Are you talking about the March 16 show or the March 28 show?"

"Darn it, my notes just say March. I’ll just clarify with my colleague. It won’t take a moment."

"Well, was it the one where Dave laughed during Über Computer?"

"Um, that's not really the type of thing I would..."

"Well, I know that technically he laughed both times, but at one show he was just sort of laughing on the inside, and at the other, it was more of a sustained chuckle. Was it the sustained chuckle? Because that would be the March 16 show."

"Mr. G-----, why don't you just tell us if you saw anything suspicious at either show?"

"Well, I did think it was odd that Dave had the chords written on his set list for Oxygen. I mean, why should Dave need the chords for his own song? Especially one that he had already played 11 times at that point? Well, 23 and a half times if you count rehearsals." (Shakes head) "Typical Dave!"

"Okay…maybe we should move on. I understand you take a lot of photos at shows. Have you captured anything unusual that might be of interest to us?"

"Now that you mention it… there was something at last year's Milwaukee show. Hang on… I've got it right here."

"You have the photo with you?"

"Well, it was just so unusual that I wanted to hold onto it in case someone didn’t believe me."

"Great! This could be the lead we've been looking for."

(Produces photo)

"Look. Dave is scratching his nose."

"Um, I don’t see how this is relevant to our…"

"Look again. It's how he’s scratching his nose. I've seen him scratch his nose with his right hand a hundred times. But this was a left-handed scratch. I mean, when I got home and saw what I had!"

"Hmmm… yeah, I don’t think we're going to be needing that."

"Are you sure? Well, keep it anyway. I have another copy as part of my ‘Dave Scratching’ series. In fact, I'm thinking of turning them into a flip book. Would that help you at all? Or maybe if I set them to music?"

"You’re free to go, Mr. G-----."



To be continued

[Closer]

Funny stuff.

[Sometime to Return]

Absolutely fantastic!!!

You need help ; well we do on this site. This site is like therapy for us.

[sheryl]

Don't quit now!!

Do you have any idea how many completely crazy people I am...er...there are on this forum?

You have enough for an investigation lasting years. YEARS.

[Miss Fitt 2]

Chapter 3: Big Easy Does It


"Ms. V--------, can you tell me what you were doing in Dave Pirner's yard at 3:00 this morning?"

"You make it sound like it's weird or something. This is New Orleans!"

"We're waiting."

"Fine. I noticed that some of his plants needed tending. And I wanted to leave him this cake that I baked."

"Yeah, we'll be needing that cake. And can you explain this note that you left under the door?"

"Oh, it's just a 'thought for the day'. I don't think he's been getting my emails."

"Why are the letters cut out of magazines?"

"I thought he'd enjoy a collage. Dave's very artistic, you know."

"Uh huh. And this photo of you and Dave. Where was it taken?"

"Um, let me see... Oh, right, that's in Japan."

"When were you in Japan with Dave?"

"Well technically, I wasn't. Dave was in Japan, and I photoshopped myself in later."

"Why would you do something like that?"

"To help him visualize how much fun it would be. Look! He’s smiling."

"And this other photo? Who are all these people?"

"That's a composite of what our circle of friends might look like."

"Okay… um… well that's a little weird, but I'm more concerned with the possible criminal charges."

"Criminal charges? What the hell are you talking about?"

"We've had some reports that you were stealing lemons."

"Stealing! They were giving them away!"

"Mmmmm hmmm. You're lucky we don't bust you for possession with intent to distribute."

"Distribute?! You're out of your mind, mister. It was possession with intent to eat!"

"And what’s your connection to this EntertheSoulAsylum.com site? Is that how you traffic your contraband citrus?"

"Traffic?! Is this some sort of joke? Well, sure, I had requests. Some of those girls offered good money, too. But, those lemons were staying with me."

"Ma’am, please empty the contents of your bag."

"Oh good grief.” (Empties purse) "Here! Are you happy? No lemons!"

(Jumping back from table) "What the hell is that??!"

"Oh, that stupid thing. It's supposed to be a Dave Pirner dreadlock, circa 1994. But I don't think it's authentic. F’ing eBay." (Produces plastic bag) "I mean, if you compare the hair shaft to this sample that I …um… obtained during a meet-and-greet a couple of years ago, they don't seem to match… although, it is kind of hard to tell with all the matting and mystery gunk." (Pauses) "Hey! You’re an investigator… maybe you can do a DNA test or something and let me know if I got ripped off."

"Um, I don’t think that's a good use of our resources. And stop pointing that thing at me! But we are going to need that baggy as evidence. Now please put the dreadlock down and try to focus. Where were you on… Seriously ma'am, stop stroking your face with the dreadlock. Now, is it true that… Ms. V--------, step away from the dreadlock!
Um… I think we need a five-minute break here."


To be continued

[Twiddly Dee]

Step away from the dreadlock...thats priceless!! Freakin hilarious! Im hooked!

Rusty

[norma023]

LOL / OMFG / ROLFLMAO / XYZPDQ

This is hilarirous (so when's my chapter?) !!

All very good dialoge, but I like this one the best!

Chapter 1: If the Shoe Fitts
"i don't understand. What's this all about? I'm just here to see the show."
"Miss Fitt, the show doesn't start for five hours yet. Noone's here."
"But I could lose my spot!"